my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Alive.
So much puke
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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