the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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