I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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