You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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