Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
