I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
