I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
