I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
