Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
