i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
