I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
there was a trapeze. enough said
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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