I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
