non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Randomize
