True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
