I wish I only lived at night.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
