Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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