How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize