If that was your dad, he is hot
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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