Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
