Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
two words: eviction party
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
