I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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