I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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