At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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