Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
