I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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