mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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