Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
