I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
