I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
