Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
