I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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