im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
