Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
