I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
