is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
