I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you told grandpa to call you daddy
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
