Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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