I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
