i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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