Your face is a jimmy john
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
