I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
