i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Mom said you looked used
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
