i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
