stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
