put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
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