I'm really into asian looking animals
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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