I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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