She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
