Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
