I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
