Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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