turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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