eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
