Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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