Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
