I've blown a few things in my day
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
The police scanner is talking about you again....
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
