I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
