Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
