my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
