either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
