So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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