is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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